Fears for the Past, Present and Future
by Raven McBain
Summary: Peter thinks about love, life and death as he watches a storm, and blames himself for the past. His lover try's to convince him that it will all be alright. light slash or two men in a relationship, just to warn you. If you read this please review.


I don't own Curtis and Peter, nor anyone else that's mentioned here, in fact all I do own is homework alota debt and a very fat rabbit. This is slash Curtis/Peter, if you don't like that then don't read. This story takes place after the first season and before the second.  
  
Never forgotten, never forgiven  
  
Curtis Rollans woke up with a start, it took him only a few moments to realize why, his arms were empty, his lover was gone. He wasn't even surprised anymore, this had happened ever night, ever since it happened. There was a storm outside, he could clearly hear the thunder. Sitting up and looking around the room, he wasn't at all surprised when he finally spotted Peter Axon standing by the window.  
  
"Did you have the nightmare again." He whispered to the his friend and lover. He started to get out of the bed and walked to the other man. He reached out and cupped his lovers face and even though it had happened many times before he still felt hurt when his lover flinched away. He still inwardly cried when he saw the blank look in the others eyes. They had been together for less then a year but already the other man had gotten completely and utterly into his heart.  
  
"Come back to bed lover," he'd long ago stopped trying to get Peter to talk about the dream. He knew it had something to do with the death of case manager Connor Doyle. It was right after that fateful mission that the nightmares had started. The man had been a good friend to them both. He hadn't had to time to do his own grieving for the other case manger because he was trying to help Peter get through it, he was convinced the environmentalist was also falling into a deep depression.  
  
"No," Peter whimpered, so quietly that Curtis had to strain to hear him, "I think I'll just stay up Curtis, but you go back to bed." He couldn't lay there in the others arms, he needed to stay up. He wished that Curtis and Elsinger would let him go back to work, except then he'd see Lindsay, the others too but, she scared him the most. She blamed him, he knew it. He'd also feel the absence's of the deceased case manager most of all there and he'd worry about the teams zoologist, Cooper who was injured on the mission. As he thought about it all he started to hyperventilate.  
  
Curtis say that his love was beginning to have difficulty breathing, again, this happened almost every night now, so he said, "calm down Peter. You can have the bed. I'll lay on the couch, if you want." He hoped that his lover would take this compromise, though it hurt him that his lover wouldn't want to lie with him.  
  
"No, Curtis I think I'd actually just like to walk around, or stay here and watch the storm." He shifted, it wasn't that he didn't want to lie with his lover. He just didn't want to go back to bed, he didn't want the nightmares to come. The storm reflected his modes violent and in turmoil, he used to love watching them, but he usually watched them with his two closest friends. Not waiting for Curtis's response he turned back to the window, hoping the other man didn't see the lone tear that streaked down his cheek.   
  
"Alright, just know that if you need to.." Curtis trailed off he didn't know what he was going to say. All he knew was what he was offering Peter wasn't buying, so he turned and walked back to the bed he and his lover usually shared.  
  
"How soon do you leave," Peter quietly called to him. Curtis had to leave him soon because, no matter how much they loved each other, Curtis was still a married man. He had pretended to be on assignment for the O.S.I.R., yet their boss thought he was with his wife. It was a fine line he walked.   
  
"In two days," Curtis barely whispered. He hurt that he had to leave his love like this, in the worst time of his life. He wished he could always be there for Peter but he also loved his wife and children. He had never been more sorry of his dual life then this moment. In love and pain he laid down and attempted to get back to sleep.   
  
Peter stood at the window, his thoughts swirling around, sometimes he was back in that factory, sometimes he was back at the lab being accused by Lindsay. Lindsay, his closest friend, next to Connor, now his worst enemy it seemed. He couldn't blame her, he knew she had loved Connor, so deeply and truly. As he stood there Peter realized how much he missed just standing in silence with Connor and Lindsay by his sides. Before he knew it the tears were streaming down his checks.   
  
He turned to look at Curtis, oh how he wished the other man didn't have to go. He wished a lot of things. Before it had been, not easy but it had been easier, back when Curtis had been his case manager, they could catch a moment here and there. Now, he knew in his heart the relationship had to end, it just hurt to even think that. He had lost Connor, it looked like he was losing Lindsay, he couldn't lose Curtis too, he just couldn't.  
  
He slowly walked back to the bed and lay down, feeling Curtis instinctively wrap him in his arms, making him feel safe, if only for a few seconds. As he closed his eyes he silently prayed that he'd always have this safe haven to come back to, but as he fell into unconsciousness he realized that this might be the last time.  
  
The dream started as it always did, he was back at the factory in Russia, walking beside Connor and Lindsay. He could hear Cooper screaming over the com link and the others voices saying that the place was going to explode and that the creatures were overtaking them.   
  
Lindsay turns to him and says, "this is all your fault Peter, you should have known."   
  
He turns to Connor who tells him in that disappointed tone of voice, "You could have saved me Peter if you'd tried harder, why did you leave me?"  
  
"I was too late there was nothing I could have done," Peter stammered, not really believing his own words. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Sorry, You're SORRY." Said his teammates their voices coming from all over. "You survived, Connor didn't." Rays voice accused.  
  
"You should have died," Claire hissed  
  
"All the pain I suffered was your fault Peter," Copper cried!  
  
"How will we be able to go on," Anton lamented.  
  
"NO," Peter screamed, "I didn't." As he lay cringing on the floor he looked up and saw Curtis walking towards him. "Curtis, Please tell them it wasn't my fault Please!"  
  
Curtis crouched down in front of him and said, "Why should I help you, your nothing to me. It was just a little thing to pass the time. I'm not going to defend a murder because of it. With that he stood up and walked away.  
  
"Curtis, please, NO, CURTIS, PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" Peter screamed! He awoke suddenly to find his lover shaking him awake.  
  
"Shhh," the other man whispered as Peter tucked his head into Curtis's shoulder. "It's alright, it's only a dream." Curtis continued to whisper. He hoped Peter would finally tell him about the nightmare that had haunted him, maybe then they could work through it together.  
  
"Curtis, please don't leave me, I've lost Connor, and I may lose the others because of it but I can't lose you." Peter begged the love of his life, then still sobbing he told Curtis, in full, the dream that had been plaguing his sleep.  
  
"Peter, I love you, if you trust nothing else, trust that. It's not your fault that Connor is dead, and it's not your fault that Copper is injured. No one blames, you Lindsay is just sad and angry. I LOVE YOU and I would never leave you." It took him a minute to register what he said, but when he did he knew it was true. He loved his wife and children but he would move heaven and earth for Peter.   
  
"You really mean that?" Peter asked uncertainly.  
  
Curtis answered by leaning in and kissing Peter passionately on the lips. As they drew apart he whispered to Peter, "yes I mean it more then anything."   
  
The two lay back down in each others arms, uncertain of the future but safer in the knowledge that they would face it together. 


End file.
